homeless.

In the two short months that I have been back in the States, I have lived in 12 different homes and 7 different cities. My brain never seems to be in the right place; I forget meetings and schedule three things at the same time.
I am eternally grateful to the people who have put up with me randomly crashing on their couches or setting up a futon or their guest room on last-minute notice. And despite being largely homeless, I have never needed to spend a night crunched in my car or curled under a bridge.
Yes, certain things have been a struggle -- never seeming to have the right item when I need it, or continually wearing dirty and mismatched clothes because, inevitably, I forgot to put anything in my car. However, these things are incredibly trivial when compared to living on the streets indefinitely.

On the whole, it has been a blessed time that I wouldn't trade for anything, but it has stretched me in strange and [very] unexpected ways. Before I realize it, I am crying myself to sleep at night for no other reason than feeling like I have quicksand under my feet. Why is this? I have no real reason to feel this way. There was a house waiting for me to move into at the end of the month....a somewhat steady job to return to....friends to support me....so why am I feeling so distraught?

I tried to concentrate on verses like Matthew 6:25-26 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
...but it doesn't seem to help. I want to be like a bird -- so content to soar through the air content in the joy of the Father's provision. But even birds make nests. What is this deep inside of me that is longing so for a home?
I decide to do some research to see what all the home fuss is about. A quick search of biblegateway.com turns up some interesting passages:

Psalm 78:55 - "He drove out nations before them and allotted their lands to them as an inheritance; he settled the tribes of Israel in their homes."
Psalm 84:3 - "Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God."

....looks like David was pretty into homes. But is a home just a house? Or is "home" simply being safe among others - family? still confused, I look to dictionary.com.
Turns out that there are 31 different definitions listed. Here are the first 8. Pay special attention to #6.

1. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

2. the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

3. an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.

4. the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.

5. the place or region where something is native or most common common.

6. any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.

7. a person's native place or own country country.

8. (in games) the destination or goalgoal.

...any place of refuge. I like that. Seems appropriate. I think we are wired to need this - a place of safety, a place to rest, a place to think. Maybe this is one reason homelessness is such a powerful, life-altering force over those who have nowhere of safety.
I also think God is talking about this is Isaiah 32:18 - "My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." He seems to think this is pretty important too, huh. (Also interesting: that God wants this for us.....!)

This topic hits especially close to home for me because when I was living in Auckland, I became very close to some of the men who lived on the streets there. I simply took time to listen to their stories or sit with them as they suffered through various medical ailments. They had nothing to offer me and I had very little to offer them, but despite this, I came to treasure the time I spent with them daily. Needless to say, I miss these guys deeply. It rips my heart to shreds looking at the photos I have taken of my friends who are on the other side of the world....probably sleeping in boxes as I write this in a posh coffee shop. The things I have to deal with are nothing compared to what these guys face on a daily basis.


The following poem is (in my humble opinion) an excellent take on being homeless in America. Please read with your heart open.

Being Homeless, by Hugh Hollowell

Being homeless means wearing clothes you did not pick out.
Being homeless means eating what they give you.
Being homeless means having to hear a sermon before you can eat.
Being homeless means being asked for your ID by the police for being in the park.
Being homeless means hiding everything you own so no one will throw it away.
Being homeless means spending most of your day with addicts and the mentally ill, even if you yourself are not.
Being homeless means people are surprised that you have an opinion on the presidential election.
Being homeless means walking several miles to eat.
Being homeless means you hope the crazy street preachers show up because it is Saturday and the soup kitchens are closed.
Being homeless means eating meals in a soup kitchen no person would ever order in a restaurant.
Being homeless means chicken hot dogs.
Being homeless means hearing people tell you you should be thankful for what you get (like chicken hot dogs).
Being homeless means rich church folks giving you secondhand underwear.
Being homeless means standing in line for everything.
Being homeless means paying 25 cents to pee.
Being homeless means crying when it rains because you know everything you own in ruined.
Being homeless means having to choose between staying in the shelter tonight or going to work today.
Being homeless means going to the day labor place at 3 a.m. and signing in so you can work that day and make $47.
Being homeless means paying $5 to cash that $47 check.
Being homeless means you are supposed to be thankful the county will let six of you take a shower each week. During the day. When you could be looking for a job.
Being homeless means wondering how you are supposed to get a job when you cannot take a shower.
Being homeless means being thankful when the temperature drops below 32 degrees because it means you are allowed in the shelter that night.
Being homeless means trying not to ask yourself is there is really a difference between sleeping outside when it is 32 degrees and when it is 35 degrees.
Being homeless means people will judge you for smoking cigarettes.
Being homeless means being afraid to tell anyone where you sleep.
Being homeless means talking to your children on a borrowed phone.
Being homeless means being afraid to hope anymore.