reflections on 25.

When reflecting upon my short life, I must defer to the wisdom of Wendell Berry in his epic novel, Jayber Crow, as it resonates in the deep places of my heart.

“If you could do it, I suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line…but that is not the way I have done it, so far. I am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. Often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or a doubling back…Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I have deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led—make of that what you will.” Pg. 133

I could end this post here, as that communicates my overwhelming sentiment of the day. However, there are a few other things I have been meaning to write about -- namely, some changes that how occurred in my heart and mind over this past year. To adequately describe these changes, I am going to relay two excerpts from my personal journal.

Wednesday August 25th, 2009
"Last day in the US -- I feel like I'm on the brink of something huge, but I can't see it quite yet. It's like I'm coming up to a cliff, but the trees are so think around me that I can only see glimpses of the clear sky past the valley. I'm excited to see where this all leads -- excited for the time spent traveling -- but I also know that it's a time of training: a preparation for more to come down the road...bigger things. Change is inevitable - it goes hand in hand with time - one cannot occur without the other. But I suppose the question is: how will I change? ...Here is how I hope I will change. I want to become less selfish - to see the needs of others before my own. I want to be better at listening to others and asking questions. I want to increase the creativity that I already have to exponential levels, I want to be creative in ways that help other people, creative in ways that can improve the world. I want to come back as a person who sees the positive in other people before I critique the negative.
I hope I can continue to chase after my dreams, continue to trust in the Lord with everything, continue to follow this wild ride that He is taking me on. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of person who can be there for another, to uplift and encourage."

I proceeded to leave this journal in the US, and start a new one abroad. The following is another excerpt I wrote as I was leaving India to travel back to New Zealand.

Tuesday February 16th, 2010
"I think I am a lot 'softer' of a person than the one who left the US, and even who left New Zealand to come to India. My capacity for love has grown much broader, both toward those close to me and those I don't know very well. I'm much less judgmental...much, much less...which is definitely a huge change for the better. But the thing that inspired that change was a deeper realization -- a realization of my own deep darkness and the uglyness that is inside me. But the breakthrough came in admitting that the 'ugly' was there (humility was a huge player in this) and constantly choosing NOT to operate out of that place. I'm not blind to my ability to cause hurt/pain in the lives of others....and out of this knowledge, I want to choose to love others WELL. Not for my sake, or my glory, or even my fulfillment. But loving them well because that is how Jesus loves, and because every human being is beyond valuable -- of immeasurable worth. I am so guilty of judging others, but judging is NEVER EVER my place. Ever. There is so much freedom in that knowledge. Only things like righteousness and forgiveness have a place in Kingdom culture."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Philippians 4:8